


Masquerade

by BriellaBleu



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-11-15 14:01:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11232507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BriellaBleu/pseuds/BriellaBleu
Summary: Its been five months since Barry sacrificed himself to the Speed Force and Iris has thrown herself into her work to deal with her grief. After taking one dangerous assignment right after the other she has started to earn herself a reputation that might get her killed. Will her dogged persistence be her downfall? Or will her own personal guardian angel be there to protect her?





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I have had this thought in my head for a while but I don’t know whether or not to continue, feedback would be appreciated! Thanks.

The only sound on the rooftop of the Central City’s Four Seasons hotel was the quiet clinking noise made by various strands of twinkle lights carefully strewn across the wide space. The cool October breeze tugged free a few tendrils of hair from Iris’ artfully messy up-do and she brushed them away impatiently, moving her mask to the side slightly in the process.

“Damn it.” She muttered under her breath as she straightened the rhinestone encrusted masquerade mask on her face. She pulled her hand away and looked down at the slim silver watch encasing her wrist.

“12:02″ She said to herself darkly as she took a quick glance around the roof and confirmed that she was still alone. Her contact told her that he would meet her at Midnight sharp and he was already late.

Iris ignored the tendril of fear unraveling in her belly and instead focused on the crackling in her ear signaling that someone was about to start talking.

“Okay, time is up.” Iris fought the urge to roll her eyes at the insistent voice practically yelling in her ear.

“Now Cisco–”

“Cisco, nothing! We had a deal you had until Midnight to get the information you needed and after that you we’re leaving!”

“I don’t recall making that deal.” Iris answer evasively as she walked out further on the roof towards the edge.

“Liar.” Cisco snapped his reply, “Joe and Wally are going to kill me once they find out I helped you with this and if Barry knew–”

“But Barry isn’t here, is he?” Iris interrupted Cisco in a voice devoid of emotion, “He’ll never be here again…”

“Iris…” Cisco began carefully.

“No, it’s fine,” she replied in a deliberately haughty tone that she hoped masked the trembling in her voice, “I need this lead Cisco, if they have the information I think they do then we can expose the corruption in the mayor’s office once and for all.”

“And if they don’t?”

“Five more minutes.’ She said, ignoring the question, “I swear, five minutes is all I need. My source will be here, I can feel it.”

After a long pause Cisco finally said, “Five minutes. And if you’re not out of there by then me or Cynthia are coming in and getting you out.”

The crackling noise ceased and Iris breathed a sigh of relief. She didn’t have much time but all she would need was 30 seconds or a minute tops to get the info she needed. Everything required to take down the corrupt individuals in the mayor’s office was located on a flash drive that her contact ‘Phantom’ was supposed to be bringing her. He was a former employee/professional hacker that had been siphoning information from the mayor’s office for months after being unceremoniously fired in an office wide shake up brought on by the mayor’s new chief of staff. Phantom reached out to her and claimed that although he wanted the mayor and his staff to be arrested for their crimes he didn’t trust the police department to do their jobs impartially–or at all–so he wanted them to be exposed and let the court of public opinion spur an investigation.

Iris glanced down at her watch and swore under her breath when she realized that she had less than three minutes left. She knew better than to doubt Cisco’s words. It wouldn’t be the first time in the last few months that he or Cynthia have had to come to her rescue in just a nick of time. She didn’t have a death wish, despite what Cisco constantly accused, but cracking a case–cases even the police couldn’t solve–through her investigations gave her a rush of feeling that she hadn’t felt in months. Five months, to be exact, but who was counting? All Iris knew was that it was nice to feel something…

Out of nowhere her skin suddenly felt hot and prickly. Her black, slinky, high-necked ballgown was demure in the front and but borderline indecent in the back. The buttery smooth skin of her back was left completely exposed save for a line of diamonds that trailed along her spine before meeting the fabric of her dress at the small of her back. She shivered as she felt goosebumps pop up all over her exposed skin. She wasn’t cold, at all, in fact the weather had been unseasonably warm all month long. No, this wasn’t weather related.

The feeling only got more intense as she heard the quiet footsteps get closer and closer and closer until the person behind her was standing close enough that she could faintly feel warm breath on her back. She didn’t know how to categorize what she was feeling. Was it fear? Anxiety? Dread? Anticipation? It was a familiar feeling but one she hadn’t felt in so long…

She let out a small gasp when she felt the barest touch trace the line of diamonds down her spine. Her stomach tightened in response and her tongue darted out to moisten her lips. Her breathing seemed unnaturally loud to her ears and she genuinely worried for a moment that she may pass out. Her body was betraying her in ways that she never expected. It never reacted like that to anyone ever, except…

“Iris…”

Everything seemed to stop. For a moment Iris felt as if she couldn’t move or talk or process thought but once again her body proved to have a mind of it’s own as it began to shake uncontrollably. Her eyes filled with tears as she shook her head back and forth in denial. She was going crazy, that was the only explanation. Long sleepless nights, endless crying jags, and living off protein bars had finally caught up with her and she was hallucinating.

“Iris…” She heard again, stronger and louder this time.

“No.” She cried, “you’re not here…I’m losing it…you’re not here…”

“Look at me. Please, look at me.”

Keeping her tear filled eyes downcast, Iris turned slowly against her better judgement fully expecting to have her heart broken again.

She opened her eyes and gradually brought her gaze upward taking in the shiny black shoes, the carefully pressed black dress pants, the fitted jacket, the back bow tie…

Iris swallowed hard as she paused in her perusal she was too scared to be hopeful so she just braced herself for the inevitable pain. Her eyes drifted over the smooth chin and the pink lips and she felt her breath quicken because she remembered those lips well. She glanced at the nose next and she knew that well also, so much so she felt as if she could almost feel the tip of it brushing against hers. Her heart beat wildly in her chest when she finally got to his eyes. They were covered with a simple black mask but she knew those sparkling green eyes well. She choked back a sudden sob that rose in her throat as she reached up to take off the mask. Her fingertips trembled slightly as they touched the soft fabric of the mask, she lifted up gently and–

By the time she heard the unmistakable noise of a breech being opened she was already at STAR Labs. She staggered backwards in surprise and she looked around frantically until she saw who was responsible for bringing her there.

“CISCO!” She screamed borderline hysterical, “you have to take me back! You have to–”

“Five minutes Iris, I meant it, we have reason to believe that guy was bad news and he was setting you up.”

“No!.” She yelled as she grabbed the lapels of his jacket, “Barry was there! You have to take me back, Barry was on the roof!”

Even in her hysteria Iris didn’t miss the look that Cisco and Cynthia shared but she didn’t care. She knew what she saw.

“You have to take me back!” She repeated firmly, “he was right there…I touched him! He was–”

“Okay, shhhhhh, okay…” Cisco said as he gently pried Iris hands from his jacket. “I’ll go back and check, okay?”

Iris nodded gratefully and a second later Cisco was gone. She held her breath in anticipation and less than a minute later Cisco was back–alone.

“Where…where’s Barry?” Iris asked in a small voice as tears clouded her throat.

“Iris, I’m so sorry,” Cisco began even as she started shaking her head from side to side in denial, “There was no sign of anyone on that roof, there was no one there…”

The rest of Cisco’s words were drowned out and the only thing Iris heard over and over and over again was, “There was no one there…”

She focused on those words so much, willing herself to believe them so she wouldn’t lose her mind, that she missed the black mask dangling precariously from her fingertips.


	2. June

She was numb.

It had been two days since she watched the love of her life disappear in front of her eyes…

Two days since she stared in stunned silence at the empty air that had once been occupied by the swirling mass of the Speed Force…

Two days since she crumpled in her father’s shaking arms and sobbed until her body couldn’t produce another tear…

Two days since she watched in hopeless desperation as Cisco vibed over and over again trying to make some sort of connection to Barry…

Two days since she screamed at Jay to go to hell when he gently tried to explain that the Speed Force wasn’t going to allow Barry to come back…

Two days since her world ended.

Now she lay in her bed that she used to share with Barry staring listlessly at the ceiling. She was still wearing the same dress and jacket that she wore to HR’s funeral. The same dress and jacket she was wearing when Barry walked away from her forever. Her tangled black hair splayed haphazardly on the white pillow behind her head, her long-lasting (per the advertisement) deep red lipstick had long since been alternately smudged, wiped, and chewed off. Flakes of black mascara dotted her cheekbones and decorated the dark circles under her eyes like little flecks of macabre confetti.

She needed sleep. She needed to take shower. She needed to eat something. She needed to move.  
But she couldn’t.

She felt empty, like someone had scooped out every bit of what made her who she was and discarded it. She wanted to care enough to get up and take care of business. She wanted to care enough to clean herself up and eat a hot meal. She wanted to care enough to live. But how could she? Her heart was gone.

So she continued to lay there...numb.

*************************************************************************************

**June 15**

“Iris, could I see you in my office, please?”

Iris dragged her dull eyes from the blinking cursor on her computer monitor that she had been staring at for far too long. She looked up to find Scott standing in the doorway of her office staring at her with an expectant, yet sympathetic, look on his face.

“Sure.” She murmured as she looked around on her desk for a pen and paper to take notes with.

“Don’t worry about any of that, you won’t be needing anything to write with.”

Iris hands stilled their search as a tendril of apprehension curled in her belly. She glanced back up at her boss and to discern the meaning behind his unreadable expression.

“Okay.” She finally said, quietly, before rising from her seat. She clenched her hands together tightly as she walked carefully through the door that Scott held open for her. As they walked down the hallway towards his office Iris couldn’t help but notice the side-long glances that she was getting from her co-workers. Or the whispers she heard as she made her way through the newsroom. Once she was finally in Scott’s office with the door shut firmly behind them she breathed a quiet sign of relief and she forced herself to loosen the painful grip her hands were in.

Scott waved his hand towards the plush chair that was facing his desk and after a moment’s hesitation she sat down it. She waited not-so-patiently as he went round the large desk and got settled into his own plush office. Iris ran her suddenly sweaty palms against the fabric of her black palazzo pants and she fought to resist the urge to crumple the excess fabric up in her tense hands.

Finally after what seemed like an eternity Scott finally began talking. “Iris, first let me say that you’ve are one of the best reporters that we have at CCPN but it seems as if--”

“Are you firing me?” Iris interrupted in a cold voice, “because if you are I’d rather skip the pleasantries.” 

Scott arched an eyebrow at her tone but he shook his head minutely in response and said, “No...no, of course I’m not firing you. Like I said, you’re one of the best we’ve got but--pardon the expression--you’ve been half-assing it for weeks now.” 

“Excuse me?” Iris asked incredulously as she welcomed the burst of anger that filled her. At least she was feeling something. “How can you say I’ve been half-assing it? I’ve been here every day, without fail even though...”

Iris closed her mouth so suddenly her teeth clacked together. She still found it impossible to say the words out loud that Barry was gone or even allude to it. With the exception of a select few, everyone still assumed that Barry Allen and Iris West were happily in love and planning to wed in November. No one knew that he was gone and never, ever coming back.

“Yes, you’ve been here,” Scott responded interrupting her thoughts, “but all you’ve done is take up space when you weren’t handing in sup-par articles” 

“I have done every thing you’ve asked me to! Without question or complaint--”

“EXACTLY!” Scott practically bellowed. “What was your last article about Iris? Huh? Do you even remember?” 

Iris wracked her brain about the articles she’d written the last couple of weeks. There had been the article about the rise in parking tickets being handed out..or the piece she did on the new doughnut shop opening down the street from Jitters. And there was the garbage story--

“The story on the proposed garbage strike!” Iris answered triumphantly, “I did the story about the union workers threatening to picket the trash routes if their demands weren’t met.” 

“Hard-hitting journalism.” Scott said sarcastically, “one of our interns could have written what you did. It was boring and it lacked pizzazz. It lacked that Iris West touch.” 

“You gave it to me, remember?” She reminded him angrily, “that was the assignment that YOU put on my desk.” 

“I sure did.” He admitted, almost smugly, “That assignment was a test--and you failed.”

“Failed? FAILED? You cannot be serious, Since when is me doing my job a test? You gave me something to do and I did it, how did I fail?.” 

“This is a puff piece Iris and we both know it. The city was always going to cave to the union because they can’t afford not to. There is no where to go with this story and there never was and YOU should have known that.” 

Iris hated to admit it but she did know that, from the second she read the assignment she knew it was nothing but filler. A story that nobody would even remember five minutes after reading it. But she took it because she didn’t care enough to argue or fight for something better. 

“So what am I supposed to do? Argue with you the next time you put an assignment on my desk?”

“No. You need to get your spark back. Where is the woman that brought down a weapon’s ring by herself and saved countless lives?” 

“I didn’t do it by myself,” she reminded him weakly, “Kid Flash helped.” 

“Point is, you relentlessly went after that story and you didn’t let up until you got what you needed.” 

“That was a long time ago.” 

“A long time--Iris, it was just a few months ago! This is what I’m talking about! What happened to you? You’ve been walking around here like a zombie for weeks now.”

Iris opened her mouth to respond but nothing came out. What was she supposed to say? That for months she tried to prepare herself for dying. That she dotted all her i’s and crossed all her t’s and got all her ducks in a row. That she made her peace with the fact that there was a very good chance she would die...but in the end she lived. How could she tell him that she survived because a good, selfless man took her place? How could she admit that she the overwhelming feeling she had that night was relief not guilt? What words could she use to explain that giddy feeling she had when she realized that she actually had a future with the man she loved? That joy? What could she say to describe the horror she felt when she realized that she didn’t have a future with the love of her life, after all? How could she properly express the emptiness she felt when the portal of the Speed Force closed behind him and he was just...gone? How could she tell him that words hadn’t been invented yet for the gnawing, unrelenting grief she’s felt ever since that night? 

“Nothing.” She said instead, “nothing has happened.”

Scott sighed heavily before saying, “I don’t buy that but your personal life isn’t my business. What is my business, however, is your work performance and in my professional opinion you’re burned out. You need a break, Iris. Get some rest, go to spa, or take a mini-vacation, I don’t care. Do something to get yourself out of this funk.” 

“I don’t want a break. I’m fine, I don’t need--”

“I wasn’t asking, Iris.” Scott interrupted her in a firm tone, “you can either take a 10 day paid vacation or you can be suspended for 10 days--without pay. Your choice.” 

“Suspended?” She practically yelled, “you can’t do that!”

“Actually, I can Iris. You’ve been late almost every day this week, you’re snappy with your co-workers, and you’ve repeatedly handed in sub-par work. If I wanted to fire you I could.” 

The anger drained from Iris and she sat back heavily in her chair. 

“Fine,” she said after a long bout of silence, “I’ll take the vacation.” 

“Good. I think the rest will do you some good, Iris.”

She just stared at him with dull eyes before asking, “Are we done here?” 

“Yes, we’re done.” 

“Well, I guess I’ll be seeing you in ten days then.” She snapped, before standing from her chair and walking out of his office without a backwards glance. 

***************************************************************************************

**JUNE 23**

Muggy hot air blew tendrils of curly hair in Iris’ face. She pushed them back impatiently as she laid flowers down on the headstone in front of her. 

It had been a month since HR had taken her place and was killed by Savitar. One whole month and it felt as if no time had passed at all. She felt as if she was stuck in an endless loop where she just relived her last few moments with Barry over and over and over again. No going forward and no going backward--just stuck. 

She started down at the headstone a few moments longer before saying, “thank you for saving me HR. I wish I could say it was worth it but sometimes...” She cleared her suddenly tight throat, “sometimes I’m not sure if it was. At least you would have been happy with Tracy...I’m just here. Existing. I just wish...I wish...I wish I still had a life worth saving.” 

Iris closed her tired, gritty eyes tightly. She was exhausted and she desperately needed sleep but she couldn’t. Ever since that night she’d be lucky if she got a full hour’s worth of sleep. 

She gave HR’s grave one last long look before turning on walking tiredly towards her car. Exhaustion made every step feel heavy and labored and it felt as if it took her a year to make it back to her car. Once inside she gave a cursory glance at her iPhone that she left in the passenger seat. There were several calls and texts from her Dad and Wally. In a normal situation that many calls would have been cause for concern but lately it had been a daily occurrence. Ever since they found out about her ‘vacation’ they’ve made it no secret that they thought Scott had a point and that they were worried about how she was coping. So every day they would call or text or come by until she made it clear that she was coping just fine and she didn’t need them coddling her. They would tell her okay and then the next day they’d start the whole thing over again. She loved her father and brother and she appreciated their concern but there was nothing they could do to help her and she wished they would realize that. No amount of checking in was going to bring Barry back, so why did they bother? 

She sent out her daily texts letting them know she was fine and she didn’t need them checking up on her every day before tossing the phone back in the passenger seat. After that she started up her car and started the short journey home. 

About 15 minutes later she arrived at her loft and she realized that she had no recollection of actually getting there. She remembered starting her car and taking off but everything after that was a blur. 

She rubbed her tired eyes as she stifled a yawn, she knew she should be worried about the fact that she traveled across town in a literal daze but she was too tired and worn out to care. She trudged to the parking garage until she got to the elevator, and once inside she squinted her bleary eyes until she found the button that would take her to the top floor. She rested her forehead against the cool stainless steel walls of the elevator as rushed up to the top floor. 

The ping from the elevator announcing it arrival prompted Iris to force her legs into motion. She fumbled with the keys at her door and once inside she flung her keys at the general direction of the bowl that was beside the door. She turned the main lock and slid one of the chains in place but she was too tired to do anything beyond that. 

A part of her wanted to just crash on the couch but she hadn’t been able to sit on it since that night and she didn’t want to start now. So she forced her tired legs to go up each step until she finally made it to her bedroom. She flopped down on the bed and kicked her shoes off. She closed her eyes and..

_“I know something else that’s happened three nights in a row..”_

_“Just stay with me, okay? The team is going to save you.”_

_“I just...I just really love you...”_

With a gasp Iris’ eyes popped open as she sat up in the bed, suddenly wide awake. She rubbed her painfully dry eyes and she wanted to scream in frustration. Every night when she tried to sleep all she could do was replay the conversations they used to have every night over and over in her head. The whispered ‘I love yous’, the feeling of his hand drawing idle circles on her back while she lazily pressed soft kisses on his neck. 

She remembered it all and him not being there beside her now was like a phantom pain that physically hurt. And she couldn’t sleep through that pain. 

But she was so tired.

Iris had an old bottle of sleeping pills that were prescribed to her after Eddie’s death to help her sleep but she had never taken them. She was sad after he died but it was manageable and even though it took time she was able to cope on her own. She was not coping now and she knew it and desperate times called for desperate measures.

After a quick hunt Iris found the pills stashed in one of her makeup bags she kept old makeup she no longer used but refused to throw away. She fished the bottle out and stared at it for a long moment before opening the cap and shaking two pills out. The label said to take one at bedtime but Iris figured two couldn’t hurt. If she slept for the next two days straight she wouldn’t care she just needed to sleep. 

Once that was done Iris figured she would help the process along by drawing a hot bath. As the water flowed from them liberally sprinkled lavender bath salts in the claw-footed tub. She tried to ignore the memories of her last time taking a bath like this because it ended with an exhausted Barry climbing in the tub with her. She could still remember him laying against her chest and snoozing as she played with his damp hair. 

She shook herself out of that reverie as she looked under the sink and found about five half burned Yankee candles. She took them all out and positioned them on the floor in a semi-circle in front of the toilet which was right next to the foot of the tub. She lit the candles carefully before turning off the water. Steam rose from the tub and for the first time in a while Iris felt the slightest twinge of pleasure. She went back into her bedroom and undressed completely before throwing on an old tattered robe that she’d had since high school. 

She went back in the bathroom, closing the door behind her, and she caught her reflection in the mirror above the sink. The woman staring back at her was unrecognizable. Her eyes were dull and lifeless. Her skin was ashen and she heavy dark circles under her eyes. Her hair was limp and brittle looking. She looked about 10 years older than she really was. She didn’t realize how much she had aged in the past month. She didn’t know the sad woman staring back at her. 

With trembling hands she took the robe off and threw it back towards the toilet. She stepped into the steaming water and let out a hiss at how hot it still was. It took her body a second to acclimate to the warm temperature but once she did a feeling of lethargy swept over her. She didn’t know whether to thank the lavender for that or if her sleeping pills were kicking in. Whatever the case may be for the first time in a what felt like forever she finally felt relaxed. She lay her head back and closed her eyes savoring the feeling. She was making a mental note not to stay in the tub long just as she was drifting to sleep...

**“IRIS!”**

Iris twitched in her sleep and groggily she thought she heard water slosh around her which was weird because it was hot and it smelled like smoke...

**“IRIS!**

**IRIS!**

**IRIS...WAKE UP!”**

Iris jerked awake at that and she sat up in the tub flinging water everywhere. Before she could get a grasp of her surroundings her senses were assaulted by the overwhelming stench of smoke. She hacked and coughed as she wiped at her watering eyes. She couldn’t make out much but she did see the robe she threw in the general direction of the toilet now completely engulfed in flames. Flames that had traveled to not only the rug on the ground but also the shower curtain that usually encased the tub. 

“Oh, my God,” Iris managed to groan out as she continued to cough uncontrollably. Her head hurt and it was hard to think but she knew she needed to get out of there and get help. She scrambled out of the tub as fast as her heavy limbs would allow her. She felt as if she was walking underwater it she found it hard to balance herself once she got out of the lukewarm water. Dripping wet, she managed to get out of the bathroom unscathed but within seconds of opening the door smoke billowed out into her bedroom and the smoke alarm started screeching. 

The sound was like nails on a chalkboard and Iris fought the urge to cover her ears. She stumbled through her bedroom until she made it to a chest of drawers. She ripped it open and pulled on the first shirt and pair of sweats she could find. The fact that she was practically swimming in it alerted her to the fact that she was wearing Barry’s clothes. But she didn’t have time to focus on that because the pop and sizzle from the fire in her bathroom and the increasingly black smoke required her attention--and a fire extinguisher. 

She wracked her sluggish brain trying to remember where it was located while frantically trying to search for her phone to call for help. Just as she was remembering that she left her phone in her car she felt a whoosh of air seconds before a breach opened in front of her. 

“Iris, are you alright?!” 

Iris blinked in confusion at Cisco, who was suddenly standing in front of her with a fire extinguisher in his hands.

“I...”She manged to choke out before erupting in a coughing fit. 

Cisco looked at her worriedly before telling her to stay where she was. He then took off towards the bathroom, and yelling, “You got this, Wally?” 

Seconds later the smoke started to disperse and the smoke alarm stopped wailing. Wally came walking out of the bathroom with black smudges on his face and suit from the smoke. He held up what remained of Iris' old robe and said wryly, “I think we found the culprit.” 

As Iris’ coughing fit died down she made a beeline for her bathroom but Wally stopped her. 

“Believe me, you don’t want to see that now. It’s a mess and it’s still a bit smoky. Stay out here where it’s clear.” 

Iris shook her head back and forth as she tried to push past him. 

“No, I need...”She said in a cough-roughened voice, “I have to back in there, I heard...I heard a voice.” 

“A voice?” Wally said in a worried tone, “What kind of a voice?” 

“It was...I heard...I thought...” Iris voice trailed off as she saw Wally and Cisco trade uneasy glances. 

“Wait, how did you even know to come here?” She asked, changing the subject. 

They shot uneasy glances at each other again which only served to make Iris’ blood boil. 

“We came because your alert went off.” Cisco answered before motioning towards the extinguisher, “And it said you had a fire which is why I brought this bad boy.” 

Iris shook her head in confusion and she squinted trying to concentrate despite the fogginess in her brain. 

“No, I didn’t....I couldn’t have. I was in the bathtub and my phone is still downstairs in my car.”

Cisco gave her a weird look before going over to the bedside table next to Barry’s side of the bed and picking up her rose gold iPhone. 

“This phone?”

Iris’ eyes widened in confusion and her hands started to tremble. 

“I don’t understand...”She whispered mostly to herself, “I didn’t have that phone, I know I didn’t” 

“Hey, it’s okay. You’re probably just tired or whatever,” Cisco rationalized, “I do it all the time.” 

Iris nodded at him, grateful for the excuse, but the trembling in her hands didn’t cease. The effects of the sleeping pills were really taking hold and she felt as if she would face plant at any second if she didn’t lay down somewhere. 

Her groggy mind was already shutting down which is why she didn’t catch herself when Wally asked her his previous question again. 

“Who’s voice did you hear earlier, Iris?” 

“Barry.” She said as she sat down heavily on the edge of her bed. “I heard Barry’s voice, he woke me up...he saved me.” 

The last thing Iris remembered as she lay back and drifted into a deep slumber was vaguely hearing Cisco say, 

“Damn it, Barry...why would you do this? What in the hell are we supposed to do now?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up, haircuts, tough love courtesy of a new friend, and Iris keeps her promise.


	3. July

_“….what are we supposed to tell her?”_

_“This was NOT my idea…”_

_“We can’t keep this a secret forever…”_

******

“Baby. Baby girl, wake up.”

Iris woke with a start and jerked away slightly from the hand that was gently shaking her shoulder. She blinked her blurry eyes against the bright light flooding her vision. She groaned softly and turned her head into the starchy material of the standard white pillow under her head.

“No, honey, you need to get up.”

Iris reluctantly turned towards the gruff voice and she found her father looking down on her with a small, sad smile on his face and shining eyes.

"Hey, sweetheart. How are you feeling?"

Iris ran a hand through her hair and she grimaced at the tangled, kinky mess on her head.

"Where am I?" She croaked out in a husky voice.

"STAR Labs, baby. How do you feel?" He asked, repeating his earlier question.

Iris swallowed and coughed at the unexpected dry tightness of her throat and her hand fluttered towards her mouth

."Th--thirsty. I'm thirsty."

Joe nodded his head, as if he expected that answer, and reached over to the small table beside her bed and grabbed a stainless steel Yeti cup, with a stainless steel straw swirling around in it.

"Here, drink this."

Iris gave her father a dubious glance with bleary eyes but she still leaned forward and took a sip from the steel straw. The cold water felt good going down her scratchy throat and she drank greedily until her father gently pulled the cup away.

"You don't want to do that honey, it's been a couple days since you've had anything on your stomach."

"A couple days?" she asked incredulously as she laid back heavily on the pillows. "What happened?"

"What do you remember?" He asked evasively as he laid the cup back on the side table. Iris wracked her brain but all she had were flashes of memories, nothing concrete enough to hang on to.

"Nothing...I don't...I don't remember? Daddy, what happened?" She asked in a panicked voice.

Joe hung his head for a long moment before reaching inside the pocket of his jacket and pulling out an orange pill bottle. "Do you remember these?"

"I..." Iris shook her head as she took the bottle from her dad with trembling hands. "I got these when Eddie died..."

"Do you remember taking these the other night? More than one of these...?"

Iris' eyes narrowed at the slight censure she heard in her father's tone but the memory of her shaking two pills into the palm of her hand surfaced in her memory with almost stunning clarity.

"I took two." She admitted as tears brimmed in her eyes, "I was just so tired and I couldn't sleep...I wasn't trying--" Her voice broke as the tears spilled over.

Joe watched her for a long moment with tears of his own shining in his eyes before he reached and gathered her into his arms. He rocked her for what seemed like hours but was only a few minutes.

"I've got you baby girl." He murmured in her hair and ragged sobs tore from Iris' dry throat. She cried and cried until she had nothing left and was exhausted and wrung dry. She fell back into a deep sleep in her father's arms.

****A week later****

Iris stared bleakly out her window as fat, heavy raindrops splattered against newly installed windows. The howling of the wind warned of an approaching storm and that warning was punctuated by dazzling flashes of lightning. She tried not to cringe every time it happened but she couldn’t help it. Every flash reminded her of every Barry. Every thought of Barry reminded her that he was gone and she was all alone. And every one of those thoughts took her down an abyss of sadness and depression that she was afraid she was never going to come out of.

Frustrated, she wiped at the tears that were pooling in her eyes and she willed herself to get up and do something but her body wouldn't move. It felt heavy and uncooperative and all she wanted to do was lay down and forget everything for a minute. Just a minute.

She lay back against the a fluffy white pillow and shut her eyes tightly but rest would not come. Peace would not come. She wanted to scream and cry and punch and kick until she felt something other than the nothingness but her body felt too heavy too move. So she just lay there and closed her eyes to the flashes of light outside.

****Ten days later****

"Hi, you've reached Iris West. Sorry I missed your call but if you leave me a name and number I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Bye!"

"Iris? Um...Iris? Hi, this is Scott. Um...well, your Dad filled me in a little bit on what was going on and I'm really sorry for your loss. Um....just...you know, take all the time you need. Your job will still be here when you get back. Um...so...yeah...I guess I'll be talking to you later....Bye?"

**'Next Message’**

"Heeeeeeeyyyyy Iris, It's Cicso, we're out here at this new bar and it's off the chain. You gotta come check it out. I now you've been in a funk latey and that's completely understandable but I think one time outside with everyone would do you some goo--"

**‘Message erased...next message’**

"Hey baby girl, it's me Dad. I was just calling to check up on you. It's been a few days since you left STAR labs and I wanted to make sure everything is okay. I talked to your boss. I know you didn't want me to but honey...we had to tell him something. He was very understandable and he said to take all the time you need. I know we can make it through this but you need to let us in--

**‘Message erased...next message’**

"Hey Iris. it's Wally. Call me if you need me. Love you."

**‘End of new messages...’**

Iris stared down at the rose gold iPhone in her trembling hands. She wanted to call her brother and tell him to come over so that she could cry on his shoulder. So that she could have someone to put some of this burden on, for just a minute, because it was becoming too hard to carry. But she couldn't do it. She couldn't give it to someone else because this burden--as painful as it was--was all she had left of Barry.

So she put the phone face down on the coffee table before laying back on her makeshift bed that she made on the couch. The memories of Barry here were plentiful but not suffocating like they were in their bedroom. Here at least she could get a few hours of sleep here and there without feeling as if he were hovering over her. As she settled into a semi-comfortable position and her eyes started to drift close she could have sworn she heard, "Promise me you'll run..." over and over over again in her head.

****Fifteen days later****

BAM!

BAM!

BAM!

Iris groaned loudly and covered her ears against the loud pounding reverberating in her head. She just wanted to sleep and she had been sleeping until--

BAM!

BAM!

BAM!

"Open the door, Iris!" Commanded a loud female voice that Iris vaguely recognized.

"Go to hell." Iris replied bitterly before closing her eyes again and burrowing further down in her covers.

After a few minutes more minutes of intermittent banging noise she heard the same voice, more annoyed, say "Fine, if you wanna play it that way, we can play."

The knocking ceased but a few seconds later Iris hears a loud whooshing noise inside her apartment seconds before a blue portal opens and someone jumps out of it.

She sits up in disbelief and cowers back slightly into the arm of the couch. She blinks the bleariness from her eyes and focuses on the black leather-clad person standing before her.

"Gypsy?"

"Cynthia." Her intruder corrects her, not unkindly. "I came here to check on you."

Iris rolls her eyes at that, "Tell my dad or Wally or whoever sent you over here that I'm fine. Can't a girl get a little 'me time' around here without sending the cavalry in?"

"Me time?" Cynthia asked as she looked around the unkempt apartment, "Is that what you're calling it?"

Iris cheeks burned with shame as she followed Cynthia's gaze around the living room. The Chinese take out and pizza boxes were stacked precariously on various surfaces in her living room.

"Well at least you're eating. That's good...I guess?"

Something in Cynthia's pitying yet judgmental tone made Iris snap. She was fully aware that it wasn’t the best look but she was doing the best that she could to make it and she didn’t want or need to be judged for it. Especially by someone she barely knew. 

“Like I said, I’m fine.” Iris began through gritted teeth, “So be a good little solider and leave and report back to whoever sent you.” 

“Who said anybody sent me?” 

Iris scoffed at that before saying, “cut the crap Cynthia, you and I both know you don’t break into my house to come check on me because you’re worried about me.” 

“First of all I didn’t break in. Breaking in implies that I picked your lock or something juvenile like that. I simply made my own door.” 

“Whatever, I--’ 

“Secondly, why wouldn’t I want to check on you Iris? You’ve been through something and you need a friend.”

“A friend?” Iris barked out a laugh that sounded unnatural to her ears. “Since when? When have we ever been friends? You barely even know me. In fact, if you wanted to be my friend then you wouldn’t have been so quick to take Abra Kadbra away!” 

“Excuse me?” 

“You heard me. You knew that Abra Kadbra knew who Savitar was but you couldn’t wait to get him out of Star Labs. We had to BEG you to let him stay. With ‘friends’ like you who needs enemies?” 

Iris spat the last part out bitterly before flinging the blanket off her lap and stalking towards her kitchen. She opened her refrigerator and grabbed an unopened bottle red wine before slamming the door shut. She rummaged through a drawer next to the fridge until she found a corkscrew. She expertly went to work on the cork in her wine bottle and within seconds she heard the satisfying pop of the pressure in the bottle being released. She threw the corkscrew, with the cork still attached, carelessly back on the counter before taking a long deep pull from the wine bottle. She turned back around and walked purposefully back to her living room, steeling herself for the confrontation she was sure was coming. 

Instead she found Cynthia sitting on the couch with her fingertips rubbing her temples. When she heard Iris approach she looked up and Iris could clearly see the apology in her eyes moments before she ever spoke a word. 

“I’m sorry.” Cynthia began haltingly, “You are right, I wasn’t concerned about you or anybody else, my feelings were the only thing that mattered to me.”

Iris nodded her head in acceptance of the apology. She sat down on the couch next to Cynthia and opened her mouth to give an apology of her own for her attitude when the breacher showed up but she was interrupted.

“I was obsessed with revenge to the point that it was all I could see. That’s what happens when you don’t deal with your grief, it manifests itself into something else and you become a person you no longer recognize. 

At those words Iris looked up from her bottle to find Cynthia staring at her pointedly. 

“Am I not allowed to be sad?” Iris asks as she rolls her eyes and takes a swig from the bottle. 

“Sure.” Cynthia says as she takes the bottle from Iris and drinks, “But you’re not allowed to stop living though. Didn’t you make a promise?” 

Iris felt her whole body go hot as she snatched the bottle from Cynthia’s hands, “Go to hell!” She said in a low, trembling voice, “I don’t have time for this.”

“Oh yeah, your schedule seems real busy.” Cynthia replied dryly, unperturbed by the waves of anger coming off Iris, “Have you even moved off of this couch? Can’t really run when you’re standing still, can you?” 

“How dare you?” A flood of angry tears rushed to Iris’s eyes and she swiped at them harshly. “Get out of my house right now!” 

“Well, there she is...” Cynthia mused as she looked at Iris with appreciation gleaming in her eyes, “I was starting to get worried for a second.” 

“Get out!” Iris responded angrily, ignoring Cynthia’s words, “I mean it, I want you out of my house. You barely know me, you barely knew Barry. How dare you throw his words in my face?”

“Somebody needed to, because it seems like you forgot.” Cynthia answered matter-of-factly, “Or maybe you haven’t forgotten at all and you’re just going against what he said on purpose.” 

All the bluster went out of Iris like air seeping out of a punctured balloon. “What...what is that supposed to mean?” 

“You tell me, Iris. I was there, remember? I know what Barry asked you to promise and you did. And yet, here you are almost two months later and you haven’t kept your promise. In fact you’ve all but thumbed your nose at it. The question is why?”

Iris opened her mouth to speak but no words would come out. She didn’t know what to say.

“You lied to him,” Cynthia taunted with a slight censure to her tone, “You made him a promise that you had no intention of keeping.” 

With those words Iris felt something ignite in her that she was afraid to voice because it was so powerful it was almost painful. 

“I lied to him? _I_ lied to him?” Iris shouted as her hands started to tremble uncontrollably to the point she had to put the bottle on the coffee table. “He lied to me. He made promises that _HE_ couldn’t keep. He walked away from me! He just left! He left me.” 

Iris voice broke on the last word and she buried her face in her hands. She tried to be brave and hold the tears in but she could feel them dropping on her cupped palms. 

“You’re angry at him.” Cynthia said matter-of-factly after giving Iris few minutes to calm down. “You’re angry and you don’t want to admit it.” 

“I’m not angry.” Iris lied as she brushed away a few errant tears and leaned forward to grab her bottle of wine. “How could I be angry with him? He saved Central City, if not the entire planet. I can’t be angry with him.” 

“Yes, you can.” Cynthia answered bluntly. “You have every right to feel what you feel.” 

Iris shook her head in denial as she took another drink. “It would be selfish to be angry. 

“So? Barry’s selfishness is the reason you’re in this predicament. I think you’re allowed a little selfishness of your own.”

Iris mulled over Cynthia’s words as she toyed with the label on her bottle of wine. She had been fighting this battle with herself for weeks now and she was finally ready to give it up. No matter how hard it hurt to say the words out loud. 

“There are times,” she began softly, slowly, “when I love and miss him so much it physically hurts. It feels like somebody has punched me in my chest and stolen my lungs and I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m suffocating...”

Iris took another drink before handing the bottle to Cynthia who was watching her with an expectant look in her eyes. 

“Go on.” Cynthia gestured with the bottle when she noticed Iris hesitating, “Say it out loud, I promise you’ll feel better.” 

“And then there are times...when I...I...I feel like...”

“Iris, say it.” 

“I hate him.” Iris said in a rush and she felt sorrow blanket her, “there are times when I absolutely hate him. I hate him for making me fall in love with him, I hate him for Flashpoint, I hate him for creating Savitar. I hate him most of all for leaving me. I hate that him leaving has turned me into this. I hate how much I love him...how much I need him.”

“But that’s not why you’re not keeping your promise, is it?” 

Iris looked over in surprise at Cynthia for her astuteness. 

“No, it’s not.” 

“Then what is it?” 

“If I keep the promise I made then it’s like I’m admitting to myself that he’s never coming back and I don’t think I’m ready to do that yet. I can’t. I’m barely keeping it together now and that’s with me holding out hope that he’ll show up one day. I don’t know the person I’ll be if I make my peace with the fact that he’s never coming home, and I’m afraid to find out.” 

“You’ll be Iris West.” 

That simple statement settled in Iris’ heart cold, broken heart in a way nothing else could. Not her father’s wise words or her brother’s boundless love. It warmed her in a way she couldn’t remember in far too long. 

“Thank you.” Iris said finally, in a thick, tear-roughened voice. “I needed that more than I could’ve ever known.” 

“Glad I could help.” Cynthia replied graciously as she handed Iris back the half-empty bottle of wine. “it was the least I could do.” 

Cynthia stood and with a flick of her wrist a new portal was opened. “You’re going to be okay, Iris. You’re too strong of a woman not to be. I’ll make sure to tell your Dad and Wally that.”

“Thank you.” Iris said again with a smile on her face. “Could you do me a favor and tell them that I love them.” 

“Of course. I know that we’re not that close and we don’t really know each other but since me and Cisco are...well, you know, I plan on being around a lot more so...friends? 

Cynthia held out her hand and Iris looked at it for a long moment before extending her own hand and giving a strong handshake in return. 

“Friends.” 

**********

An hour or so after Cynthia left Iris stood in her remodeled bathroom staring at her wan appearance in the mirror. Or skin was dull looking and an unflattering combination of dry and oily. Despite the increase in the amount of hours she spent sleeping, Iris still had deep, dark circles under her eyes. Her hair was the worst part as is lay limp, heavy and lifeless against her shoulders. This wasn’t her and she was mad at herself for letting go like this. She needed something drastic to jump start her life. She refused to be this person for a minute more. 

Before she could talk her talk herself out of it she rushed into her bedroom and went to the little desk that Barry had set up for them in the corner of the room. She grabbed a pair of scissors and went back into the bathroom. She experimented with opening and closing the handles of the scissors and when she was satisfied she gave herself one last apprehensive glance in the mirror before grabbing a section of her hair and chopping it off with the scissors before she could chicken out. 

She gasped out loud as a hunk of her her floated towards the sink but she didn’t let that stop her progress. In fact she didn’t stop until she had a head of shoulder length hair (or close enough) and a sink full of dead ends. 

Though she knew she would have to go see her hair stylist the next day to fix her far-from-perfect haircut, for the first time she had felt lighter than she had in weeks. Not a 100% better, and she admitted to herself that without Barry she would probably never be 100% again, but it was a step in the right direction. It wasn’t much, but it was enough. 

She cleaned up her mess and left a text for stylist begging for an emergency haircut first thing in the morning and she received confirmation that she could come in at 7--with coffee and doughnuts. 

Iris smiled at herself before sitting on the edge of the bed. She felt herself become instantly tense and she realized her baby steps were just that--baby steps. She still couldn’t be in this room without feeling as if she was being suffocated by Barry’s presence and she couldn’t handle that feeling. She hurriedly got off the bed and left the room to go back to her makeshift ‘bedroom’ in the living room. 

Once there she surveyed the room, it was now clean--the first thing she did after Cynthia left--and despite the reality of why she was there she appreciated the fact that she had one place in her and Barry’s home that she felt comfortable enough to be at. It wasn’t much but she recognized that it was a small victory. 

She sat down on the couch and grabbed her bottle of wine. She took one very long drink before putting it down and wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. She needed the liquid courage for her next phone call. 

“Hello?” Iris heard the voice on the other end asked after what seemed like 9 rings. 

“Hello--yes, Scott...Mr. Evans um, this is Iris. I just wanted to tell you that I got your message and I’m really--I um, I just...thank you, for supporting me. It means the world. I just wanted you to know that I’ve dealt with the issue at hand and I’m doing...better. I’m ready to get back to work and frankly, I need it.” 

Scott’s surprise at hearing her voice quickly went away at her mention of returning of work and he was all for her coming back immediately. After explaining she had a slight hair emergency that would require her attention first thing in the morning he graciously told her to come in whenever she was done with her appointment. 

After hanging up Iris was filled with a vague sense of apprehension but at the same time excitement. The sadness and grief were still present lurking in the shadows of her mind, but for right now they were at bay. And since they were Iris had her mind on only one thing. 

It was time to start running.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. Next up, Iris is back at work, back in danger and a certain someone starts popping up--or so Iris thinks...


	4. August

“I want to fight you.” 

“You’re not going to figh--”

‘I literally want to fight you right now!” 

Iris rolled her eyes as she shook the items in her hand gently to focus her irate hair stylist’s attention back on them and not on her badly shorn head. 

“Coffee and doughnuts remember? Your favorites? You can’t fight the bringer of goodies, now can you?” 

“It’s just hair, Rio.” 

Rio DeVelante gasped so deeply Iris was surprised all the air wasn’t sucked out of the room. She always knew her hair stylist had a flair for the dramatic, but even this was a bit much for him. 

After staring in horror at her hair a moment longer he finally gestured at her to have a seat in his chair. Once Iris was settled in he took a long swig of his super sweet coffee drink and grabbed his favorite pair of scissors and with grim determination said, “Let’s do this.”

*****************

An hour and a half later, with a flourish, Rio spun Iris around so she was facing herself in the mirror. She gave a small start at the woman staring back at her. Her freshly washed hair floated around her neck and jawline in soft bouncy curls. The length would take a while to get used to but...she liked it. It was something different and she desperately needed different. 

“Thanks, love.” She said sweetly to her hairstylist who was still grumbling under his breath as he straightened up his work station. “You did a beautiful job.” 

“Of course I did,” He said in an offended tone, “That’s all I do. And, of course, you look beautiful with it because that’s what you do. This current hair style just blows all my plans to hell.” 

“What plans?” Iris asked with laugh as she rummaged in her purse for her wallet to pay and tip for her visit.

“For your wedding.”

Iris’ hands still and the smile freezes on her face. She hadn’t thought about her wedding in weeks and the reminder was like a bucket of ice cold water straight in the face. 

“It’s just...I had ideas, girl. MAJOR ideas! You would have been the talk of Central City, let’s be honest. You still will be, but damn...back to the drawing board, I guess. You’re not planning on doing anything else crazy with your hair before then, are you? Because if so let me know beforehand so I can talk you out of that shit. Okay? Okay? Iris....IRIS!” 

Hearing her name all but yelled was enough to bring Iris out of the dark path she was unwittingly about to go down. 

“Sorry.” She said was a tight smile, “I’m zoning out because I haven’t had any coffee yet.’ 

Rio gave her a strange look before offering her the last little corner of his drink. 

She laughed at that pitiful, yet gracious, offering and she was relieved to find that she could. Just a week or two ago a comment like that would have been devastating to her. She went back to digging in her purse until she located her wallet, she pulled out two crisp one hundred dollar bills and handed them to Rio. 

“What, girl...no, this is way too much.” He said as he tried to hand her back one of the bills. 

“No, it’s the least I could do. You’re a lifesaver, you didn’t have to help me on such short notice.” 

“The coffee and doughnuts made us even on that one, I already told you that. Here.” Rio waved one of the hundreds at her again to get her to take it back. 

“Nope.” Iris said with a pop of her mouth, as she put her walled back in her purse and closed it firmly. She stood up from the chair and gave Rio a quick kiss on the cheek. “I’m off to work now, go buy yourself something pretty with that tip.” 

Rio laughed at that and gathered Iris in his arms and gave her a big hug. 

“Thanks, doll. i don’t know what brought this change on but, slay, mama. Slay.” 

***********

Half an hour later Iris stood in her bedroom nervously smoothing her hands over her electric blue peplum dress. The color seemed too loud, too bright but she thought it was exactly what she needed for her first day back to work. She didn't want to appear as...empty as she felt inside. 'Fake it until you make it' was her new motto. She refused to let what she was still feeling on the inside show on the outside, not anymore.

She ran her hands through her curls and she found herself wondering what Barry would think about her new hairstyle. She clenched her eyes shut against the sudden sharp pain just the thought of his name brought her and she breathed deeply in through her nose and out of her mouth for a few seconds. 

“You have to stop this.” She muttered to herself under her breath, “One day at a time. Just take it one day at a time.” 

Iris gave herself one last long look in the mirror before smoothing her hands over her bright blue dress. She picked up her equally bright fuchsia Coach bag and took a second to appreciate the bright, happy sight she was. 

“Fake it until you make it, West.” 

************

As Iris stood at the doors of CCPN for the first time since she started years ago she was unsure of what to expect. If her office was gone and she was back in the cubicles with the other interns she wouldn't be surprised. In fact, it's probably what she deserved. Truth be told, she didn’t know what to expect. Not anymore.

A few hours she wondered why she was ever nervous. Aside from a few cautious smiles from coworkers and a greeting from Scott that seemed a little to effervescent (and relieved?) everything was going normally. Boring, even. Mind-numbingly boring if she was being honest. She had a stack of work on her desk, which she was grateful for, but the most exciting thing in the bunch was a story about a group of kids who were going around town letting off impressive amounts of fireworks in abandoned buildings which had the local fire chief in a tizzy. The next most interesting lead was about an old lady that was suing the city because she got a ticket for jay walking and even though she was as guilty as the day was long she vowed to take it to the Supreme Court if she had to.

Iris blew out a deep breath as she threw the assignment on the desk. She knew she should keep her head down and ease back into work. She should take the softballs that Scott was lobbing her and keep hitting them until she knocked them out of the park. Don’t make waves. Don’t bite off more than she can chew.

Yadda...yadda...yadda...

Before she could change her mind Iris grabbed the stack of folders off her desk and stalked towards Scott’s office. Less than a minute later she was rapping sharply on her boss’ door and when she got his okay she walked in with a list of reasons why he needed to give her a better assignment on the tip of her tongue. 

“Took you long enough.” 

Iris steps faltered at the sound of Scott’s amused voice.

“Excuse me?” 

“I was starting to get a bit worried,” he said as he glanced at his watch, “I thought you were actually going to write one of those stories.”

“I...”

“Give me those Iris, we have interns for these type of stories, not seasoned reporters like you.” 

Iris stared in confusion as Scott came around his desk and took the stack of folders from her hand and it replaced it with one thin manila envelope.

“First, let me say your dad explained some of what’s going on. I”m sorry about what happened. Losing such a great friend so suddenly is tough, believe me, I know. His, name was H.R., correct?” 

“H...H.R.?” Iris asked still confused by what was happening. She was expecting him to say something about Barry being gone so him bringing up H.R. was throwing her off kilter.

"Um...yes, you father told me you lost your close friend to a freak accident and you were having a hard time dealing with it. You know, you could have told me that? I would have happily given you time off to...you know...to grieve.”

Iris swallowed against the lump in her throat as she nodded her head jerkily.

“I know that, I just...I wasn’t really thinking. I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize,” Scott replied kindly, ‘I’m just glad you seem to be doing better. The time off seems like it was good for you?” 

"It was.” Iris answered simply. 

“Good, because we need you.” He said brusquely, effectively changing the subject, “What have you heard about recent shake-up in City Hall?” 

“Not much,” Iris answered honestly as she sat down in the chair across from desk. “I know the old chief-of-staff was ousted a couple months ago quite suddenly, but beyond that I haven’t really kept up with it” 

“That’s understandable,” Scott allowed graciously, “It was a bit of a shock to all of us. There were whispers of a ‘coup’ from within the organization but every, single last one of our sources dried up.” 

“All of them? At the same time? That’s odd.” 

“Very. I mean, I’ve heard of running a tight ship but this is on some whole other level.”

“Hmmmm....” Iris murmured to herself as she glanced over the meager notes that were provided in the manila folder. “So what exactly are you looking to find? Do you suspect corruption?” 

“Well, that’s for you to figure out Miss West...if you’re up for it?” 

Iris stared long and hard at the notes one more time before looking up at Scott with a determined glint in her eye.

“Yeah. I’m up for it.” 

***********

Two weeks later Iris was ready to admit that maybe, just maybe she was in over her head. She was sitting at her desk at CCPN and she currently had the contents of the manila folder spread across her desk. Two weeks and the only addition she had to the information she was originally given was a list of names. 

A list of crossed out names, to be exact. 

She knew Scott said all the sources dried up but she had a few more up her sleeve that he didn’t know about it. In the end it didn’t matter because her sources were drier than a bone too. One going so far as to warn her in a shaky voice that she needed to back off and find something else to write about. 

She refused to be deterred by that, and in fact, it only spurned her on more to find out the truth. She knew all to well that sometimes anonymous sources didn’t think the risk of being caught was worth being the one to reveal the truth but she’s never heard of multiple sources clamming up at once. That just wasn’t natural and she wanted to find out why. 

She chewed thoughtfully on her thumbnail as she scanned her list of sources again. As she wracked her brain trying to figure out which source was most likely to cave if she confronted them again a memory flitted through her brain. 

_“Iris.”_

_“Hmmmm...” She murmured absent-mindedly as she went over her notes again._

_“Iris? Seriously? Iris! Earth to Iris.”_

_Iris looked up from her notes to find her sleepy boyfriend waving his hand in her face._

_“Oh!” Iris jumped, startled at the intrusion, and she watched as several pages spilled onto the ground._

_“Barrrrrryyyyyy....” She said in a voice that was entirely too whiny for her liking. “It took me forever to get that sorted!”_

_Barry gave a long-suffering sigh before rapidly gathering the notes, scanning them, and putting them back in their respective piles._

_“Thanks babe,” Iris said appreciatively, “If I had to sort those one more time I was going to start pulling my hair out.”_

_“That’s because you’re tired and frustrated. It’s 3 a.m. Iris.” He reminded her._

_“Yes, and you look exhausted, honey. Go back to bed.”_

_“I can’t sleep when you’re not there.The bed is too small without you.”_

_Iris laughed at that ridiculously sweet statement. “You know that makes absolutely no sense, right? If I’m in the bed that means less room for you.”_

_“No,” He said as he squeezed in the only free spot next to Iris on her couch not littered with paper. “With you in there with me it’s absolutely perfect.”_

_“Awwww....” She said softly before leaning over to give him a soft peck on his lips._

_“With that being said,” He started before giving her another, slightly longer kiss, “a bigger bed wouldn’t hurt.”_

_“It’s a double, Bear! And I barely got that bed in there, anything bigger and that will be the ONLY thing in my bedroom.”_

_“Maybe it’s time for a bigger room.” He said in a deceptively light tone. “You know, like an upgrade.”_

_“An upgrade?” Iris said with a snort, “baby, who has ‘upgrade’ money? I’m barely affording this place as it is.”_

_“Yeah...right.” Barry said with a slight laugh, “who’s got that kind of money?”_

_Iris went back to her notes unaware of the disappointed and longing expression on her boyfriend’s face._

_“Here it is!” She said, triumphantly, as she pulled out folded piece of paper from one of her many stacks. “I finally found it!.”_

_“What is it?” Barry asked as he gently took the paper from and unfolded it so he could see what was written on the front._

_“It’s a blueprint. It’s the original set of prints from that new construction job on 83rd St. These are the prints that were bid on and approved by the city. However, these aren’t the specs the construction company are using. They claim that the prints they’re currently using are the ones that were approved. And they’re demanding that the homeowners in that area move so that their homes can be bulldozed for this new development.”_

_“Something like that should be easily disputed though, right?” Barry asked as he scanned the faded blueprints._

_“Yes, it should, and it would be if the original blueprints could be located. But they couldn’t. Or at least they couldn’t until a while ago...”_

_“Iris, how did you get these? IRIS?”_

_“Okay, don’t freak out.”_

_“I’m not--”_

_“Promise.”_

_“Look, I won’t--”_

_“Promise.” She repeated firmly, this time with her pinkie finger up._

_“Seriously?”_

_“Promise.” She said again as she looked pointedly at her finger._

_“Fine, I promise.” He said with a huff as he wrapped his pinkie around hers. “How did you get this.”_

_“Well, I may or may not have a friend that has access to archived material at City Hall.”_

_“May or may not?”_

_“And this friend that I may or may not have happened to notice that the blueprints were archived almost immediately after the bid went through. Which, obviously they shouldn’t have been.”_

_“Obviously.” Barry said dryly._

_“And not only that but they were purposely archived in the wrong spot. Which would have made it almost impossible for someone to find them if they went looking for them.”_

_“Right...”_

_“So, my friend that I may or may not have just happened to make a copy of the blueprints and he may have passed them on to me.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because...maybe he has family that lives in that area that the contractor is threatening to tear down?”_

_“Iris, I know of the contractor and he’s a very dangerous man. The CCPD has been watching him for a while now. The second they get something concrete on him they’re taking him down.”_

_“I know.”_

_“And how exactly do you know that?”_

_“Well...I may or may not have a friend there too.”_

_“Iris! Does Joe know about your source at CCPD?”_

_“Of course not! I’m not stupid. And stop acting brand new Barry, you know I have sources.”_

_“Yeah, I just didn’t realize they were sources that could get you killed.”_

_She glared over her shoulder at him before taking the blueprints out of his hand._

_“You’re being dramatic. It’s not like I’m going to go up to this guy and confront him with what I’ve found. I’m gathering enough evidence to hand over to the police AND write my story. That contractor is slick and he’s too smart for his own good. Even with the evidence the cops may not have enough to make a charge stick. However, that’s what the court of public opinion is for. He may not serve jail time but if enough people know what he’s trying to do to the citizens of Central City that may be enough to shut down his construction site and his plans to destroy numerous homes.”_

_Iris focused her attention on shuffling her notes together into one pile but within a few moments Barry’s arms were around her and his large hands were covering her smaller ones._

_“I’m sorry,” he whispered into her hair before placing a chaste kiss against the shell of her ear. “I’m an ass.”_

_“You’re not an ass,” Iris said with a small laugh as she leaned into his embrace. “You’re just over-protective, and I get it but I have to do my job. I can’t let fear guide me, not when people’s homes and livelihoods are on the line.”_

_“I know, I just want you to be careful.”_

_“I am. I promise I am, too much is at stake for me not to be.”_

_Barry hummed in agreement and he shifted Iris in his arms so that her cheek was pressed against his chest._

_“Ok, how about we make a deal?”_

_“Okay....what kind of a deal?” Iris asked as she toyed with Barry’s fingers._

_“When working on a story you go through before you go around or underneath.”_

_“What?” She pushed away from his slightly to sit up. “What does that mean?”_

_“It means sometimes it’s easier and safer to go straight to the horse to get the story from his or her mouth. But if not, then go around or underneath them to get the truth. Don’t make waves if you don’t have to. Sources talk but that goes both ways and if the wrong person finds out that you’re snooping around well...”_

_“Well?”_

_“That’s where I come in and I’d rather not hurt anybody if I don’t have to. No matter what, I got you, Iris, you know that right?_

_“Yeah, I know.”_

_Iris leaned her head back a little and pursed her lips. Barry smiled at the silent command before leaning down to give her a sweet kiss on the lips. He pulled back and rubbed his nose gently against hers._

_“Take me to bed?” Iris finally asked after trading increasingly heavy breaths with Barry._

_“I thought you’d never ask.”_

_Seconds later Iris felt her soft mattress against her back and all thoughts of her story scattered as she felt Barry’s warm hands sliding up her thighs..._

~~~~~~~ 

Iris jumped at the sound of the telephone in her office blaring loudly. Apparently it had been going for a while because after that one ring she heard it abruptly stopped and less than a minute later a red button in the upper right hand corner started flashing indicating she had a message. 

She checked the caller ID and saw that it was a source calling her back on another fluff piece that she was working on. It wasn’t anything worth getting excited about but it was a story and at least she would have something to turn into her boss. The idea of not having anything to show for the two weeks she had been back just didn’t sit well with Iris. So a fluff piece would have to do, especially since the City Hall investigation was just one dead end after the other. 

The affects of her daydream about Barry were still evident, her breath was coming out quicker than normal and her hands were slightly damp. She clenched them self-consciously before reaching for her phone to call her source back. As she was doing do Barry’s words popped back in her head with stunning clarity, 

**“... sometimes it’s easier and safer to go straight to the horse to get the story from his or her mouth. But if not, then go around or underneath them to get the truth. Don’t make waves if you don’t have to...”**

Iris picked up the phone but instead of dialing her source’s number she called City Hall instead. She listened to the bored receptionist’s rehearsed spiel and when she was prompted to give her name she said, 

“Hello, my name is Iris West and I’m a reporter with Central City Picture News, I was wondering if there was any way for me to set up an appointment to get an interview with the mayor’s new chief-of-staff?” 

Iris fully expected to be shot down immediately or hung up on so her surprise was palpable when, after being placed on a brief hold, the receptionist came back on the line to let her know that the chief-of-staff had agreed to an interview and he would be available to talk that afternoon at 1 p.m. in his office. 

“O...okay.” Iris stuttered out in surprise. “I’ll be there. Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome, have a nice day, Miss West.” 

Iris placed her receiver back on the cradle and she leaned back in her chair and expelled a loud sigh of relief. She couldn’t believe her luck, maybe this was the break she was looking for. 

It was time to get some information straight from the horse’s mouth. 

 

*************

As it turned out her ‘horse’ was actually more of a snake in the grass…or a slimy, gross slug, if she was being really honest.

From the moment Iris stepped foot in City Hall that day something had seemed...off, but she couldn't put her finger on what it was. She had been in there numerous times over the years but this was the first time that she felt completely uncomfortable. 

The meeting with the new Chief of Staff, Luca Benetti, went about as well as could be expected. He was a handsome man in a Goodfella type of way and he laid on the charm so thick Iris thought she would choke from it. Impressively, he managed to answer all of her questions without giving her a single piece of information worthy printing. He was good, she’d give him that, but she was better. She had been lobbing him softballs the entire interview so it was time to see how well he handled a curve ball. 

As he was leading her outside his office and towards the elevator she stopped him and with a deceptively bashful smile said,

“Oh my gosh, Mr. Benetti! I forgot that I had one last question. Do you mind terribly if I ask it? Please?” 

Iris batted her eyelashes at him and her stomach turned as she watched his gaze rake over her body. 

“Sure, Miss West,” He said as he stepped closer, “whatever you want.” 

“Good.” Iris said as her smiled dropped and she met his wolfish gaze with a steely one of her own. “What do you have to say about the allegations that you blackmailed former chief of staff Robert Stevens into quitting so that you could take his place?”

Luca’s grey eyes turned hard and his predatory smile froze on his face. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, was that question too difficult for you?” Iris continued on, going for broke, “How about this one? Any comment on the allegations of the misappropriation of funds that were set aside for the community center and park for the inner city kids? You recently purchased a new summer home...is there any correlation?”

Luca’s eyes glinted dangerously with a promise of something sinister but a second later his whole demeanor changed so completely that Iris wondered if she imagined the hateful look in his eyes. 

“Well, Miss West, you have quite the little imagination, don’t you?” His tone was kind, even joking but Iris recognized that thread of steel through it. He walked her to the elevator and pushed the down button for her. The tension between them was palpable and the only sound in the lobby was a faint whistle of a janitor mopping nearby. 

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity the elevator doors slid open and Iris stepped hastily into the elevator her heart thumping heavily in her chest. 

She turned back to find Luca surveying her with an unreadable look in his eyes as he held the door of the elevator open. 

“I regret that our meeting had to end on such a sour note, Miss West. But I have to assure you that those allegations are unequivocally false, you can quote me on that.” 

“I will.” She said firmly as he let go of the elevator door and it started to slide close. “I will be quoting my source as well.” 

His hand shot out and stopped the elevator so forcefully that Iris took a step back. She swallowed deeply as he pushed the door open again.

“What did you just say?” He asked in a terrifyingly soft voice. 

“I said, I will be quoting more other source as well.” She answered lifting her chin hoping she appeared more confident that she truly was.

“First and final warning, Miss West, do not involve yourself into things that are none of your concern. Very bad things happen to people who stick their noses in places where they don’t belong.” 

“Is that a threat, Mr. Benetti? Can I quote you on that.” 

Luca stared at her for several long, drawn out seconds before he finally shoved the persistent elevator door one last time before stalking away without a backwards glance. 

Iris resisted the urge to sag against the wall of the elevator in relief. Instead she she stood up straight and she intended to keep her gaze forward but her intentions were broken by the sound of at tuneless whistle. She looked slightly to the left to see a young man in a jumpsuit pushing a mop back and forth across the floor with a bucket next to him. As the door started to slide close again he stopped pushing the mop and looked over at Iris. He smirked slightly and resumed his whistling only this time it was higher pitched and louder. The noise reminded Iris of nails on a chalkboard and she gritted her teeth against the sound. 

Finally the door slid close and Iris got to take her breath. Her shoulders and neck throbbed from tension and she could feel a headache starting to bloom right in between her eyes. Later, she would blame that headache on not noticing that the ‘janitor’ had been mopping with an empty bucket and a dry mop, information that would prove to be pertinent. Hindsight is 20/20.

********

That night Iris fell into a fitful sleep on her makeshift bed on the couch. Her dream started with her being chased through a maze that inexplicably turned into the the mayor’s office. A cloaked figure was advancing on her and somehow, instinctively, Iris knew that if he caught her she would be dead. So she ran and ran and ran and ran until her lungs burned and her legs felt as if they were going to give out on her in any second. Just when she could almost feel the cloaked figure’s hot breath on her neck she was whooshed away in a crackle of red lightning. 

An instant later she found herself on Jitters’ rooftop and she could feel someone’s presence behind her. As she was turning a vibrating voice stopped her. 

“Iris...” 

Her heart stuttered to a stop at the sound of that voice and she couldn’t help the strangled cry that ripped from chest. 

She turned around quickly but she was surprised by what she found. It was Barry but he was in his original Flash suit and he was vibrating his face like he used to do to hide his identity. 

A litany or reasons why that was wrong, so wrong, skated through Iris’ sub-conscious but she didn’t care. Barry was in front of her and that was all that mattered. With tears brimming her eyes she took a step forward to touch him but he stepped back and said, “NO!” in a sharp tone, shaking his head. 

Wounded, she dropped her hand and took a step back. She didn’t understand what was going on but something didn’t feel right. 

“Barry?” She asked softly as tears slipped from her eyes, “I know it’s you, babe, why are you--”

“Wake up Iris.” He said fiercely, “you have to wake up right now.” 

“What?” She asked, confused and scared, “I am awake, what are you talking about? I’m-” 

Suddenly Barry came forward but he stopped within inches of touching her. Even though his face was still vibrating Iris could see the determined glint in his eye. 

“You don’t have time, Iris. You have to wake up...NOW” 

With a gasp Iris sat up and she put a hand to her pounding heart. She looked around and she was no longer on the Jitters’ rooftop, instead she was on her couch in her living room. 

“He wasn’t real, it was just a dream. He wasn’t real, it was just a dream. He wasn’t real, it was just a dream...” She kept repeating to herself as silent tears gathered in her eyes and trekked down her face. Logically she knew that was true but the static electricity that still hung heavy in the air made her heart stutter painfully in her chest. How could she physically feel someone that was never there? 

She she was rubbing her arms vigorously to get rid of that static feeling when she heard it. She thought she imagined it at first but a louder scraping sound a few seconds later proved that this wasn’t a figment of her imagination. The noise was coming from her front door and she got up to check on the noise. As she got closer it was clear that someone was on the other side trying to get in. 

A moment of panic set in and in her haste to find her phone to press her panic button she bumped into one of her side tables and she jarred it hard enough that the table shook and a picture frame fell to the ground. 

After a second she heard a muffled, “Fuck!” on the other end of the door before the sudden sound of a metal object hitting the ground and hurried footsteps that faded away after a few seconds. 

She ran back to the couch and picked up her phone before going back towards her front door. After waiting and listening for a full minute she finally decided that it was safe to open her door. She went to work on unlocking the numerous locks on her door and when she got to the bottom two and the doorknob and saw how loose they were it was clear they had been clear that they were tampered with. In fact, if Barry hadn’t installed all those extra locks whoever was on the other side would have been inside. 

Her hands began to shake at the realization of the close call she just had but the feeling only got scarier and more intense once she saw what was on the side of the door. 

At the threshold of her home lay a small black magazine. She was enough of a cop’s daughter to know that the magazine fits a 9 mm Glock. Which meant that just moments before someone with a 9 mm was trying to break into her home. 

She closed the door and slid down it until she was sitting on the floor and she stared down at the magazine cupped in her hands. She wasn’t naive enough to not make the connection with her visit to City Hall earlier and the botched break-in tonight. All it did was make it crystal clear to Iris that she was officially over her head. 

She slid the magazine across the floor and away from herself because the sight and feel of it was making her nauseous. She leaned her head back against the door and banged it lightly against the solid surface a few times as the gravity of the situation settled on her chest like a ton of bricks. 

She closed her eyes and for almost a second she could remember his frantic voice telling her to wake up. Clearly it was her internal alarm going haywire because sub-consciously she sense danger was near but it felt so real. And that ache at the realization that it wasn’t was enough to take her breath away. 

She knew she needed to call Cisco or Wally and have them fix the door and check out the area but for just a moment she wanted to hang on to the fading memory of her dream. She wanted to feel, even for a minute, that Barry was right there for her and he was looking out for her. That if she needed him he would be there in a fraction of a second. She wanted to feel as if she still had the love of her life...her hero. 

So she sat there, for hours, until she could no longer hear the echo of his voice in her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, Wally and Cisco are keeping secrets and Iris realizes what she needs to do in order to 'hear' Barry.


End file.
